so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We're too hungover to prance.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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