Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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