dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
