He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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