she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
