1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
