I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
All the doctor said was why
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
