I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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