Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
