If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
