Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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