Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
