the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
