your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
my shit smells like andre
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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