i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!