In the future we'll all be gay
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the condom got lost in my hair
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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