Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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