Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
