I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
