Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
