I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
