I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
