I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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