I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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