Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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