Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
