like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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