I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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