Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
