I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
