Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
