I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
