I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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