What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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