Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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