Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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