Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
