I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
