He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
