You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
