If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
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her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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