Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
