my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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