I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
