Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
