More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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