My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
