apparently the secret to your success is patron
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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