If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
