OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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