Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
