I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
