i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
