The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
