Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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