i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
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