There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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