How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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