Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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