Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
