Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just gargled with NyQuil
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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