if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
They have beer where we have blood.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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