The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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